FROM MOTHER TO DAUGHTER

With this year being the first Christmas without my Momma, I have been trying to avoid the Christmas cards that are From Mother To Daughter and From Daughter To Mother.  The thought of not being able to buy her one ever again, rips my heart to pieces.  I did the same thing at Easter, Mother's Day, and her birthday.  Just looking at them will make me run out of the store crying my eyes out.  I decided to ignore that section of cards alltogether. 

I was in Walmart Tuesday searching for Christmas cards for sister, aunt, cousin, and grandmother.  The pickings were very slim.  My eyes happened to scan over to the mother/daughter cards.  I darted my eyes away and found one for my aunt.  However, my hand reached for the most beautiful "From Mother To Daughter" card.  I pulled it out of the sleeve and read it.  My heart felt as if it had stopped beating and my lungs filled full.  I felt the tears beginning to pool behindmy eyes.  "NO!  I  will not have a breakdown in the middle of Walmart." I told myself. I set the card back in it's proper place and moved on.

A litle while later after I had gotten home, I was thinking about it, and began to cry.  It's one thing to cry in public and a completely different thing to cry at home, in private.  I rolled around in my self pity for awhile, thinking how my Momma would never make a pan of fudge for my birthday, I would never get to buy her a present or card for anything ever again.  I sobbed and cried like a baby.  Until suddenly, a feeling came over me, telling me that she is still aound me, looking over me.  Maybe I was meant to pick up that card, maybe that would have been the card she would have bought for me.  I hen got to thinking about all the little signs of her presence in my life.  My next door neighbor's mother gave me a container of homemade fudge.  It wasn't like my mom's, but it is still good.  Maybe, just maybe, my momma had put it in Mrs. S' heart to offer me some.  There was another time, when I was so depressed over her death and the loss of the woman who gave me life, I was sitting on the loveseat, holding her picture against my chest, and wailing out in grief.  I did that for maybe 4 or 5 minutes, then the phone rang and it was my aunt.  Momma wouldn't want me sitting around crying and wallowing in self-pity over her.  Maybe she had put it in Ruby's heart to call at that exact moment to stop me from being sad and grieving.

All of these little things, may seem small and far out there.  However, this is the way I choose to believe.  It's nice knowing the possibility does exist.  My belief in this brings me comfort and peace in knowing she's still watching over me.  She is not completely gone from me yet.  It seems like I am not the only person who has experienced this phenomenon.  I've read and heard about many others who have had the same thing to happen to them.  Some in more subtle ways and others in a more distinct.  All it requires is an open heart and mind.  Two things I do have with just about everything in life.

Since I have been awake since 5 a.m., I think I am going to lay down and watch a movie.  Hopefully, I will catch some Zzzzzzz's.  I am unbelievably tired tonight.

Good night to everyone......