IT'S BEEN AWHILE

And how I remember that day.  So much has changed since then.  Over a year has passed and I lost my mom to lung cancer on January 2, 2010.  I would give anything to have her back for just one more day.  To tell her how much I love and miss her.  Most of all, I would tell her I am so sorry I wasn't a better daughter to her.  Honestly, I gave her alot of problems growing up. If I could go back and change all the shit I put her through, I would in a heartbeat.  Even if it meant, she got on my nerves alot of the time. She was and still is my momma. 

I really don't know why I am starting to blog again.  Maybe to purge some of the feelings I have stuffed down deep inside of me where noone can see, a way of avoiding my feelings, or if I was just plain inspired by a friend who recently started another blog.  Maybe I'm just FUBAR! Who knows??? It's something I find I am asking myself more and more lately.

With today being Thanksgiving Day, our national day to give thanks, I am not going to blog about the sadness and grief that now lives deep inside of me.  And no matter how many tears may flow from my eyes, they are never enough.  There's always more to be shed.  Yes, I have cried today. That's all I will say on the subject of my mom's death today.  Today, even though I've had a fair share of heartache and grief this year, I am going to blog about the list what I am thankful for each and everyday.

1. God.  For giving me the strength I never knew I had to get through this year. If it not had been for His love and the strength He has (and continues) to give me on a daily (sometimes hourly basis), I would not have been able to travel this far.  For making me a stronger woman.  Even though, he sends tests my way, that I will never understand or have all the answers to.  He is always present.

2.  My mom whom I had 38 years with.  Good and bad.  I am who I am today because of her. (I know, I lied when I said I wouldn't blog about her).

3.  What little family who has stuck by me in the most difficult time of my life.  The ones who didn't forget about me and turned their backs on me.

4.  My friends.  The ones who have listened to me cry and offered support with their understanding and support. I could NOT have made it through without them.

5.  My fur baby.  Who has been by my side faithfully and licked my tears as I cried myself to sleep at nights.

6.  That my bills are paid.  I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and clothes on my back.

I'm sure there are more blessings in me.  Just like the ones I listed above, I am thankful for them all.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!