EVERYWHERE THERE IS A MEMORY

I am trying to stay upbeat this year during the holidays.  But despite my best efforts, I feel like I am failing.  This will be the first Christmas without my Mom.  The ache I feel for all the little things she did for my sister and me to make the holiday special overwhelms me at times.  So much so, it hurts to breathe.  When we were younger (alot), she would tuck us into our beds and read to us, "T'was the Night Before Christmas" to calm us down and get us to go to sleep.  She always told us if Santa came and found us awake, he would put pepper in our eyes.  Somehow, despite all the excitement that surrounds the arrival of Santa and all the sugar we consumed, we got to sleep.  We always woke up to have our wish lists brought to life before our very eyes.

Every year, she would take us into the kitchen to bake cookies or make fudge.  Later in her short life, she always made the fudge for my birthday as one of my presents.  I LOVE FUDGE!! Last year, I think God was trying to prepare me for not having her here this year.  Momma was in the hospital or nursing home during the holidays last year.  I'm still not prepared for her not being here this year. 

I wrapped a few of the Christmas presents I have bought for family and friends and I traveled back to a memory I thought I had lost.  After my sister went to live with our dad, it was always me and my mom against the world, we would always say.  When she went to wrap our presents, the only way she would allow me to help is by pulling the scotch tape off the roll and handing it to her.  I was between the ages of seven and twelve, when all she would let me do was be the tape girl.  I couldn't understand why.  Honestly, I still don't understand her reasoning behind it.  But I did learn just how much tape to use when wrapping presents. 

As she and I both got older and I left home, I would have to wrap the gifts I had purchased for her, friends, and family.  I would also have to wrap the gifts she had purchased for her friends, family, my sisters, my nephews, and mine as well.  She would put everything in their boxes and tell me to have at it.  I enjoyed doing it for her.  I guess in her mind I had surpassed heer expectations in being the scotch tape girl.

Today, I was wrapping presents, (even though I have yet to pull the decorations out and put them up), I realized it is the most awful feeling not to have a gift for her to wrap.  Or to wrap her gifts.  I began to miss her even more and felt the sadness take over.  I cried a few tears at the memories that were being brought back to me.  I know I will always have them with me.  But I would rather have her.  I know God needed her more than I do.  Yet, my heart tells me something very different.  My heart aches for all those small touches she did, to make the day special every year.

Even after I became an adult, I never had to wake up alone on Christmas morning.  With the exception of the five years I lived away from home, I was always with her on Christmas morning.  This will be the first that tradition will come to pass.  I fight the self-pity by throwing myself into things that will take my mind away from the pain.  I read a book, watch a movie, clean, or just sleep.  I don't want the pity and I don't want to bring everyone else down because my heart is broken.  She wouldn't want me to do that. 

When she first died and I began to think about all of the holidays I wouldn't be able to share with her, I didn't know how I would make it through.  I wasn't even quite sure if I would want to celebrate Christmas this year.  Thinking about it, would fill me with depression and anxiety.  But now, the holidays are here and I have decided to celebrate them.  Just as she would be doing, if I had passed away first.  It's what she would have wanted me to do.  I can't stop myself from feeling a little excited over the holiday.  I always have.  Yet, dread is attached to the excitement.  I feel torn between the two.  But, I am going to try.  I believe that counts for something.  I will wake up, let Linus open his "presents", fix our traditional breakfast (bacon, eggs, and toast) on Christmas morning for myself, get dressed, and go to my aunts for lunch and opening our gifts to one another.  I know the day is going to be difficult to get through and I know I will be weepy and emotional on Christmas Day.  There is no if's, and's, or but's about it. I pray God will give me the strength to get through the day.  He won't let me down.  He hasn't so far.

There are memories everywhere.  They will always be there and will travel with me wherever I should go.  Even though, they are sweet memories, they are achingly painful.  Yet, at times, I feel myself smiling from the inside out over some of them that just seem to pop into my head.  I've even cried and laughed at the same time when one of those memories came back.  I think someone said once, "Laughter through tears is medicine for the soul."  I am not quite sure who said it, so I'm unable to give proper credit to them.

I will embrace the memories and treasure them always......